Deepest Fear to Bravery (Part 1)

 Fear

My first fear was being around stranger asking for my hand in marriage I was confronted by blind man asking me to marry him at my father Guest House hotel. When I told my dad he acted so cool and chill like nothing has happened. The fear build up in my mind

Second fear was when I got lock up in toilet by maid she was annoyed with us about something which I don't recall being a very small at that time. I didn't know what happen but my heart told me the next door have spray something in the draining system that made 100 of cockroach come out from draining system into the toilet I was locked in the fear build up in my mind. That night I slept with one eye open cause of fearing the cockroach will come back. 

There was many more fear I face that I didn't response to it but suppress all those fear in my mind. 

Fear of darkness
Fear of cockroach
Fear of stranger
Fear of failing in class
Fear of embarrassing my family
Fear of being my true self
Fear of speaking up for myself
Fear of breaking my mom heart and expectation
Fear of not getting love and approval of my mom
Fear of getting no friends

Started to learn - pleasing people allow many to use me, teasing happen I wasn't even bother by that I knew I was brave and courageous. Nobody could hurt me cause I could see I wasn't looking for approval by friends they love themselves as they are and so do I. They behavior told me all the truth what kind of character their hold so I wasn't even offended by them. I had few good friends that understood me and doesn't judge me which I was happy and nor do I Judge them. 

I Bottle up many of my emotions that without knowing my mind was whispering a lot of things to me
telling me all sort of things that I fear the most that I suppress it. I didn't then that my mind was manipulating me since childhood. I keep whispering these to me:

You aren't good enough
Nobody really love you
Your mom is ashamed of you
Your sister was ashamed of you
You are a failure
You don't even cook
You are even good in study
Nobody will want you 
You should just kill yourself 
Everyone keep scolding you cause you aren't good enough
You are a burden burden burden
End your Life now and fall all 

I had knife ready in my Hand I try cutting my hand It hurts like hell I didn't have the guts to do it, Instead I physically abuse my body with lots of pinching myself cover my body so nobody see it.
When ever I get scolding I would go upstairs and hurt myself thinking I was bad and need punishment.
I was all messed up inside that one night I cried out to Source to help me.

Next Day I got new driver, He allowed me to sit Infront I am grateful to him for giving me second chance but I didn't know then what I know now it was Source that send me Angel to help me. Source knew who is listening to Source voice (Source living in everyone Heart) My beloved Divine. Daily driver ask about my day and I open up myself to him really help me like anything but I was in my teens I thought that connection I had with him was love but it was pure love without desire from his side all kindness, compassion and humble. I confess my love to him and we both knew it wasn't possible cause he was 34 and I was only 18 he got 3 kids happily married. I just didn't wanted to live in regrates.

My life Transform from there also got another Angel who help me about morals of kindness, humility, compassion. Divine Angel in the form of Neighbor who volunteer to help teach kids about Unity. Her teaching when into my subconsciouses mind but my focus was more on to the person who was willing to listen to me Driver. I didn't suppress my emotions I speak to my mom then I write them down in diary or talk to friends about it learn to trust others. I was brave again fear also still there but less.